Alright, fair warning. If you don't like to read my yapping about heartache, then stop here. I'm serious, this could be depressing at times.
So I've kind of been keeping a secret from everyone. There's a girl. A damn good one. We've been keeping in touch for the better part of a year and a half and we both finally said "let's see each other." Well, she just left and I'm fuckin hurting. The bad news is there's nothing I can do about it.
When she got down here, she realized that we can't do the long distance thing and honestly, I don't blame her. I'm very anti-LD and she is as well. We've both done it and we've both gotten burned. Now make no mistake about it, this is one fabulous girl. She's pretty, smart, sassy, funny and just all around cute. She's got just about every quality I look for in a person, including class and sincerity. She's the kind of girl you're overjoyed to lay in the same bed with and be glad to wake up next to in the morning. She's the first person in a long time that motivates me to do great things. Honestly, she's just a girl and I totally dig that about her. She loves shoes and shopping, likes to party, but also loves her sweatpants.
The best part about her is that she cares about me too.
Now I don't know how excited she's going to be about me sharing this blog with the whole world. I hope she understands that even though this story doesn't really have a happy ending...it actually doesn't have an ending but I digress...this is a great story. Some of the best posts I've ever written have been inspired by how she makes me feel sometimes. She's as genuine as it gets and nowadays, that's hard to come by.
However, she gets down here and realizes there can be no "us." The even worse part is that I agree to an extent. There's a breaking point in every "relationship" (I use quotation marks because technically, it's not a relationship yet at this breaking point) where both people have to decide whether or not the other person is worth the chance of getting hurt. Also, with so many miles between us, the chances rise. Even though I swore I'd never do another LD relationship, I changed my mind about doing it to just thinking about it. She went the other way and realized essentially, the odds aren't worth the bet. No fault of hers, she's just watching out for herself. That's to be respected greatly, since I don't have that kind of strength.
She still cares about me and I don't want to stop caring about her. She's not the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's not going to like me saying that but I think she'll agree that I'm not either. However, she is great and great is what I need.
Now she's on a plane and she's leaving after 7 days of us getting to know one another face to face. It's tough. It's a lot tougher on me than it is on her. I made no mistake in telling her how I felt. She's worth the risk, and when it comes to matters of my heart, I hang them out like a pinata for everyone to take a swipe. She's made her decision and she's sticking to it, but I swear that I will not go down without a fight. She's won me over and if I gotta go without her, then it won't be the first time, but this time, I'm not lying down and letting her go like I did last time. Last time, it was about the other one doing what she wanted all the time without any regard for how I felt. No remorse. Today, the girl was actually getting upset on the phone while I was tearing up because she's hurting too. She might not say it, but I know somewhere she is. It sucks to get hurt, and I try to do it as rarely as possible, but sometimes it can't be avoided.
I don't know for sure, but I don't think anyone's ever stood up and fought FOR her instead of WITH her. I'm not pushing, I'm just letting her know where I stand, and even if I'm my own island in how I feel, I'm cool with that. At least she knows and that's all I can ask for.
So tonight, while she's cruising at an altitude of 20,000 feet, I'll have my glass in one hand and my other hand will be clicking depressing music (speaking of which, Michael Buble's "Home" is WORTH the download for times like these...add that to the list) while I pour out Jack Daniels like I'm pouring out my words.
This weekend I'll be at a wedding wishing she was there too. However, she still cares about me and that means more than I could tell you guys. Sure I'm not head over heels for this girl so why am I hurting? Because for the first time in a long time, someone cared. That means a lot to me.
A whole lot.
So right now I'm on my lunch break even though I don't feel like eating and I'm getting all of this out of my head before it drives me insane. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach so hard that my eyes are tearing up. But I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of her. We both stuck to our guns even though I don't think either of us really wanted it to be that way.
At least she knows I care too and that I don't mind getting hurt. I don't like getting hurt, but if that's what it takes to make sure I leave without saying "I meant to," then damnit that's what I'm gonna do. What's even better is that when I told her I wouldn't hurt her, I really think she believed me. Nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't hurt her because she's never hurt me and she doesn't want to, which again, is a welcome reprieve from the sting of the last relationship.
So for any of you that might be worried about how I feel, don't be. I'm fine and I'll continue to be fine. I'm just hurting right now because the wound is still fresh. Give me a couple of days and I'll be right as the mail. But quietly, secretly, I'll miss her and I'll want her back down here just to hold her. She knows that and that's all I can ask for.
Until next time kids.