Collage 3
The Dawg-gone Blog
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Monday, August 01, 2005
Well, not completely empty.

For those interested, the move went relatively well. It wasn't painless by any stretch of the imagination. Just ask my dad who I'm sure is still feeling the effects of trying to act like he's not 50 years old.

I think I smell pot. More on this later.

So yeah. I got the big bedroom with it's own bathroom. Big props to A.J. (Aunt Jane for those scoring at home) for letting me have her old bedroom. Tomorrow begins the "let's drive around and see what we can get into" phase of living in a new town. I have to wake up early to see the Comcast guy in hopes that I can get some TV in my room. The house I'm living in is just inside of Tyrone, Georgia and offers just what I was hoping for in reference to being able to get out of Atlanta when I just couldn't take a big city anymore. Y'all forget that I'm from Perry and once in a while, I just can't be around buildings that go up more than two floors. This place offers that release valve and I'm quite appreciative for it.

A.J. and Sara (the cousin) have a live-in ex boyfriend of A.J. named Dave. I like the guy. I really do. However if he's smoking pot and I even make the needle jump a little on the drug test I may or may not take for this job, I'll kill him. I'm not so paranoid to think that a hint of second hand pot smoke will test me positive, but I don't even want to take the chance. You think I'm kidding. I'll put a foot in his ass if he costs me my guaranteed salary. However, he's a nice guy and I think it just might be some kind of shitty cigarettes. I don't think he has the balls to do that in Jane's house. Lord knows I wouldn't.

So other than some random news here and there (which I won't bore you with) I'll say thanks to everyone for their support throughout the entire process. Sorry I didn't call anyone Saturday. I passed out as soon as I got the chance.

*Note: The rest of this blog is deep and depressing and is a direct result of the need to vent. If you don't like my sometimes overwhelming desire to get this way, stop reading. Don't say I didn't warn you.*

I think nearly everyone that reads my blogs knows about Courtney. Hell, if you don't, just know you're not missing much other than what was a very intense relationship with a VERY rough ending. Things were great, got worse, got better, got worse, and then got downright ugly. This led to her and I parting on not really speaking terms to that being what we're kind of on today. We'd both be cordial, but I think we'd both not want to be.

Well during the moving process I ran across a lot of old notes and some surprises that I had not previously encountered. Once Courtney and I split, I broke all ties, refusing to throw away her stuff but also refusing to keep it around in my eyesight. I tucked it all away neatly never to think of it again...literally. I "found" all of these things this past weekend while packing up my belongings into different moving boxes of various shapes and sizes. Coincidentally I found them while I was reeling from another dream I had of her and I trying to reconcile and failing yet again. Occassionally I'll have those and it will just fuck up my entire day.

So I'm sitting here all day long wondering why my subconcious won't let her go and why all of a sudden I found a notebook of hers with the names of our hypothetical children in it (childish I know but kind of cute). By the way, Cohen Kitchens is a pretty decent name for a child that, thankfully, we never had.

Then I find notes. I find letters and cards and shit from Valentine's Day and stuff that had dust on it an inch thick. The only problem is I don't know why I found it in conjunction with dreams that are hell-bent on plaguing my entire day. All I can think of is that in this time of closing a chapter on my Savannah Adventure, it's important to know that I shouldn't hate her as much as I know I still do. She did some awful shit to me, but not loving me wasn't one of them. That girl loved me deeply at one point and for some reason it just stopped one day. But I had tricked myself into thinking that I was a fool and I had let her go on with her charade of being my girlfriend without consequences because I cared so much for her. Well I was wrong. She really is a shell of the person that I once knew but that person that I once knew was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I hope and pray I'll find someone like her when things between us were great. I don't know if I ever will but that's why they call it faith I guess. All I know is that I feel bad for the malice in my heart that I've had for her for so long and can't seem to shake. The woman left me in shambles, but at least she loved me enough once to put me in that place.

Thanks Courtney. You let me know that I had never truly loved someone before and you let me know how precious that is. I don't know if I'd ever take you back should that bridge ever come to be crossed...even though that conversation is pointless because both you and I know it will never get to that point. I wish you nothing but the best, even though sometimes I will still feel like you don't deserve it. Either way, thanks, I guess.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.
Blogger Stacy said...
We plan, God laughs. This is not to say that we shouldn't have dreams, but when are dreams are dashed, it is then that we must realize that it is not our jobs to understand how God is writing the story of our lives, but to have faith in the happy ending that you believe is in store.

Believe Kit. It will come on God's time.

Love you,

Anonymous JT said...
One day you will look back and realize that it was the best thing that didn't happen to you.

i msged you on aim... did you not add me yet? it's every1callsmejen. i can't wait to get to atl! where is tyrone and are you staying there until you find another place or are you parked there for a while? greg and i have decided to go for a condo (hooray!)... but i still don't like that he's bringing his cat... i'll get over it though. i hope i get to see you soon!!!!! my mom is excited that you're living up there now since i will be too :)