****All of you that read this know me and this is one of those times. You know the rules****
Many years ago when I was in high school I woke up one day and realized I had no friends. It was sophomore year. I had friends two years before, but when I made it to 9th grade I was the popular freshman with the seniors and turned my back on the friends I had grown up with. I didn't mean to, but I did.
Once I had retracted their desire to hate my guts and regained their trust, I promised that I would do my best to proactively reflect on my decisions before I made them. These past two weekends I have gotten to see two totally different groups of friends that mean equally as much to me and remind me that home is not physical at all. Home is a state of mind.
I could go through who all it was great to see, great to hug, joke with, buy drinks and do shots with, laugh with, cry with, and unfortunately say goodbye to, but it is what it is and I think I made my point perfectly clear plenty of times throughout the past two weekends.
However, what I'm taking away from everything is a list. It's my list for improvement and this time, I unfortunately have to stick to it. If I don't, I'm going off in a direction that I don't want to be a taking part in. I'm going to list them somewhere and definitely not here because this time, the ball is in my court and it's time for myself to stop writing checks my ass can't cash. I do so much talking about this and that and now it's put up or shut up time.
There will be the normal things on this list that are simplistic and the same old same old (lose weight...btw, Big Oob
, you look great brother...Shit-Hot Oob
, you ALWAYS look great), but some are deeper. I'm tired of being single. I'm tired of being the third-fifth-seventh wheel. I'm tired of my friends trying to hook me up with their friends (no offense to anyone that tried this weekend)...or them not telling me when a certain person I'm hitting on is already "actively involved" with someone else.
I want a career, I want something to work towards. I want to grow up again. I'm much more mature that I used to be, but it's not enough. I think I've proved lately that the Old Kit is still alive and well buried deep under this stuff I hate, but he can be revived at the necessary time and place. But I would like for the "reputation that preceeds me" to stay as just the reputation and not as a personification.
I feel apathetic and lonely. I'm a car with the engine on, but I'm stuck in neutral.
I need a swift kick in my ass.
I have one more matter of business to attend to before I can work on me for a while, but for some of the things on the list that have to be checked off soon (I.E. lose weight) I will get on immediately.
Other things like concentrating on actively searching for someone to be with will have to wait until I can get situations like the most recent problem with my father figured out. I'm making a trip to Winston Salem, NC this weekend to lay down the law for the final time. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, I know you're behind me. For the ones that don't, just understand it's complicated and if I haven't told you it's not because I don't value your trust, but on this particular situation, I value my privacy.
In better news, I finally downloaded (LEGALLY) the new Tally Hally CD
and it is absolutely incredible. I passed a copy to The Song Writer
, Beer Pong
, and Amos (obviously not a blogger) and I have to say that for me personally, it's probably the most inspiring music I've heard in a while. I don't know how to describe it, and I might be alone on this one, but it puts me in the state of mind that makes me believe my list is achievable. How it does that, I don't know, but it does and that's all I can ask for in a price of only $10.
All in all, cheers to Gunner
, cheers to all of you for being you, cheers to me for hopefully getting it together.
Until next time kids.
Be safe.I'm too much or not enough maybe everyone else is messed up well anyway I cant seem to stay in just one state of mind this ones done and I'm an asshole she's in the midst of my whole hassle cus I'm back and forth I get bored when she's no perfect find cus it's one thing or another I don't even know why I bother one thing just tears her down cus its one thing or another I don’t even know why I bother one thing I just cant get around consider the possibility that you've been had but not by me we're just kids don't worry about this my course is run and I'm so tired till the next one comes inspired I feel bad and I should I made her sad and I knew it would cus its one thing or another I don’t even know why I bother one thing just tears her down cus its one thing or another I don’t even know why I bother one thing I just cant get around I need to learn to wait in turn cus now I just step blindly and I'm only happy when I can close my eyes and I just dive in and forget about acting kindly cus it's one thing or another (cus it's always one thing or another) I don’t even know why I bother one thing just tears her down (one thing always) cus its one thing or another I don’t even know why I bother one thing I just cant get around still I know you wont let me down