Tonight's been an interesting night.
Forgive me in advance. This is not a joyous happy blog, a sad blog, or a blog about the Dawgs...well, I will say that Levi Stukes draining that 3 at the buzzer earlier today to beat the Gamecocks at USC was pretty fucking cool.
Tonight has been the kind of night where I wish I lived alone again. I really would give anything to spend tonight back at my old place in Savannah, playing poker, watching movies and pouring Jack all by myself. Then hopping in my car (not drunk by the way), opening the sun roof and driving to Tybee to watch the moon dance off the marsh. As much as I hated that place there was something about it that made me become comfortable with being by myself.
Tonight has been a lot like that. Living with my aunt and cousin, I rarely have the chance to pour a stiff one and spend my time getting drunk by myself. I know that seems a bit sad and depressing, but every once in a while I really enjoyed it.
I had a long conversation with a good friend not too long ago about the darker side of ourselves and how it helps foster the brighter side. Think of it as your brain giving you fucked up dreams at night as a way to relieve itself from keeping you sane every day. It works its ass off so you don't end up in a straight jacket, but it's got to play sometime. That's kind of what the darker side of most people is like. We want to get drunk alone, listen to depressing music, and just drive around smelling the salt air in the moonlight. I won't lie when I say that I'm ready to move on to the more domesticated side of life, but at this very moment, I'm actually enjoying wishing about it more than having it.
Hence the reason for the title "Sparks." I was watching Wedding Crashers while I was in the midst of a poker tourney tonight and it just kind of struck me. "Sparks," if I've done my research correctly, is a Coldplay tune from the Parachutes album. I was blown away by sound of the music, the tone of voice, and how it lightly pushes your emotions around without you even knowing it. I immediately downloaded it and have been looping it ever since. It's this song that actually drives me to want to be back in Savannah right now.
There's no doubt it's a good thing that I haven't been depressed in a long time, but on the other hand, it's been so long since I felt "dark" that it's almost like seeing a friend again after a long absence. I mean let's be honest, I wasn't a fan of the Savannah lifestyle, but I did a lot of growing up down there. A ton of maturing as well as a ton of soul searching. I'll be 25 in less than 3 weeks but I feel like I have the brain of a 35 year old. I don't have a five year plan, but I have a five year goal. It feels good to know that you want something but still be excited enough to discover what it exactly is that you want.
I think a lot of this is driven by the fact that the deal between The Girl and I is essentially done. After her events, there's no way for me to salvage anything so I might as well press on. I hate to keep dragging on and on about her because I know that makes me come across as a bit stalkerish after only one night together, but I have got to tell you folks, it was one helluva night. And get your minds out of the gutters kids. I'm not talking about that kind of a helluva night. For one night someone thought I was something special and I felt the same way. My jokes were funny, my job was interesting and my smile was charming. For a night, it wasn't about the booze or the fact that it was New Years. It was about conversation and "well, isn't this nice." I haven't ever had a conversation with someone like that. I hope I can do it again sometime.
So that will be the last you hear about The Girl.
It has come to my attention that many of us have multiple blogs. In the same conversation with the good friend mentioned above we both admitted that we have our own secret blogs. I have one that I REALLY like the title of...so much that it pains me not to post the blog itself. Hell, I even like the web address of it, but since I made a deal with myself not to share the blog with anyone, I doubt you'll even know what it looks like, where it is, or the title. One day I'll find a way to work the web addy and the title into a blog and you'll never know the difference.
But my secret blog is where I can be dark like I used to. Especially when I'm trying to figure shit out and I don't want anyone to worry about me. Sometimes I just have to be dark. I mean I hate to let you guys know, but I can't always be the funny one. I mean sometimes I just have got to get out there and be depressed and be sad and when that happens I have to write. I just have to write where you guys can't see it.
So tonight when I lay down and finally go to bed I hope to dream about "Sparks" playing as I drive my way through the marsh with nothing but stars a big bright moon above me. I might even think about the night I never felt more alone when i was driving by myself last year on New Years coming home from the strip club (I had a remote there...Sadly, I was working). I remember listening to Coast to Coast
and their New Year's predictions and as I drove over the gigantic bridge on the way back, looking at all the lights of River Street and the cargo ships below me. That's when I realized how small we all are in relative to the big picture. What the big picture is, I didn't know then and I don't know now, but that night I realized that it's pretty fucking big.
Anyway, thanks for reading this mess. Here's to smiles, sunshine and puppies tomorrow.
Until next time kids.