Tonight, in an effort to be cool, I watched Grey's Anatomy. I was intrigued by the show mainly because of Ln's post
from last week and all the cool kids seem to be doing it every Sunday night.
I'm not going to lie; I wasn't blown away. However, the writing is solid, the humor is subtle and I'm sure with a little more understanding of the characters, their challenges, personality pros and cons, and the general idea of "them," I'll probably grow to enjoy it. If I keep watching it, that is.
But after tonight's episode, I finally decided to write a little on the previously mentioned post by Ln, over whether or not it was better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. At first, I was on the fence post, but now I feel the need and desire to throw my two cents in the proverbial bucket.
I have always been a nice guy. I've always been the funny one and I've always been the sweetest guy ever. These are traits that I used to find endearing until I realized what they really meant. Now, I no longer wish to be that way in any form because it limits the understanding of who I am in other peoples' eyes. In the question of love and losing or not loving at all, I'm choosing not to love. I have yearned, fought, cried, feared, and succumbed to some of the best and worst women I have ever known. And I know I'm not done yet.
However, in all of those cases, in every single one, I have never come out feeling better once it was over. They call them break ups for a reason and none of them are ever good. I have felt the kind of love for someone where I looked at them and knew I would be at their side for the rest of my life and I was O.K. with that feeling. I even grew to need it. And while I found myself grateful for the good times, they never outweighed the bad.
I can list my worst fears in a hierarchy and even give you scenarios that I have dreamed up due to these fears, but the one that always stings and always pulls inside of me is the one of dying alone. Whether it comes from self consciousness, doubt, or a lack of self confidence, I don't know, but I've had it since I was a kid and it will never go away. That being said, it still doesn't outweigh the despair and hopelessness that one person will feel when their heart has been broken and they realize that the person they hold in such high esteem just doesn't feel that way. It's a train wreck inside of your body that shakes you from your foundation to the top of your head and you feel the whole movement inside of you.
As a child of 1981, I grew up with the "grand gesture" love movies of the 80s and early 90s. This unfortunate timing has groomed me to love big and therefore fall even bigger. Nothing pleases me more as a person than to see the fat kid with the model girlfriend or the loser who dated the high school prom queen. I still hope one day I can lay it all out there to a girl while it's raining and have her melt right in front of me and tell me that I'm exactly what she needed. These are the unfortunate things that make me sweet instead of sexy. Which...sucks.
About a year ago I decided to change some things about who I was and how I was going to carry myself around the outside world. I swore I'd never chase another girl again and let her get to me the way the last one had. So I decided to just be me and if love and/or a girl hit me right between the eyes, then so be it, but the days of me chasing and chasing only to have someone pull me close and push me away are over. I may crush from time to time and I might even go so far as to get a little disappointed when it doesn't pan out, but I will no longer be a George type character on Grey's Anatomy. It hurts too much. Besides, the consistent hit and miss tension of people caring for each other and coming so close but not acting on it makes good TV.
So you pose the question love and lost vs. never loving? The latter, please.
What? It's not romantic in a woman's eyes by any stretch of the imagination, but in today's world, romance plays a part, but not the part people hope it will. That's just not the climate we live in today. There are too many intangibles that exist in finding a good person to be with. For once, I think I might just hang and let myself be chased...if that'll ever happen. Someone's got to want to be with me someday I guess.
There's your answer. I'm uncomfortable now so I'm going to bed.
Until next time kids.