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Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I don't have time to write a fancy intro to this thing. Hatred is abounding. Must. Write. List.

The Ten Things I Utterly Hate About Florida Fans

10) They Don't Respect Stafford -- Even after last year's complete domination through the air (as well as on the ground), the Gator contingent still thinks that Matt Stafford couldn't hold Tebow's jock. Well, I hate to tell you, but everyone else outside of the state of Florida disagrees. There's a reason why Dawg fans are sweating and that's because Stafford has a real chance of going pro shortly after this season and by doing so, he could be the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. You don't hear any of that talk around Gainesville, do you? Watch Tebow on Saturday and see how many times he, ON HIS OWN, audibles the team into a different play. Superman's got the physical tools, but apparently he shipped off of Krypton before he got that mental prowess that Stafford has. I want a QB that can RUN an Offense. Not one that can merely execute it.

9) Nothing Good Ever Came Out of Florida -- "Heaven's Waiting Room" is nothing but a sand pit, surrounded by ocean. Sure, you've got that cool space shuttle launch once in a while, and I can't disagree that Daytona, Miami and PCB are some of the best places for spring break, but seriously what has Florida contributed to the world lately? Oh that's right, y'all do that whole "orange juice" thing. But seriously, I haven't drank a drop of Simply Orange since I saw Urban pimp it (shout out: Mackie).

8) Gator Fans are Stupid -- No, really. You guys are morons. Thank God you have a genius like Orson Swindle keeping part of the world thinking that some of you have some sense. However, most of us with half a brain know the truth and, that is something in the water in Florida has convinced all of you that mullets, Trans Ams and being on COPS is still cool. 

7) You Don't Dress Up for Games -- Seriously, what good fan of college football in general doesn't see Gameday as a time to strut your best stuff? Instead you wear T-shirts and parade around in your Sunday afternoon's best. Save that sh*t for the NFL.

6) I Think Tebow is an "OK" Guy -- Alright, this might not have much to do with the fans, except in regards to their undying love for him, but man I can't force myself to hate the kid and that drives me nuts. J.P. Wilson, Rudy Carpenter and Steven Garcia are all people I despise, but for some reason, I just can't hate the kid and he BLEEDS Orange and Blue. He's a good kid, he sets a good example and he always says the right things to the media. What I REALLY hate is that he ended up at a place like Florida. I do hate that "jump up and down while waving arms" thing that he does AND I think the jump pass is flat-out stupid. So, I got that going for me I guess.

5) You People Ignore Math -- Without sounding like a Georgia Tech geek, I despise the fact that you want to point out your total domination of UGA since 1990, but still ignore the overall record or the record over the last 5 games. Wake up Florida people; we're not the same team you dominated for all those years. At least ACT like we have a shot of winning because, much like last year, if we do win you'll look stupid for another 364 days.

4) You're Hypocritical -- Yeah, we've had some kids get arrested in the offseason for doing things like driving drunk, carrying around an UNLOADED gun (which was later dropped) and touching some pregnant chick's belly, but at least none of our players SHOT OFF AN AK-47 or STOLE A DEAD GIRL'S CREDIT CARD. Until we have a guy do that, you morons have ZERO right to talk. PERIOD. CAPS!!1!!11!!

3) You Believe Offense Will Win You Championships -- You fools really think Chris Leak won you that National Championship? Seriously, there should have been two separate lines of ass kissing. One that lead to Ron Zook for recruiting those players and another that led to Charlie Strong for keeping you in those games. I can't wait until Strong moves on and you guys realize what you REALLY need to do in order to win. Offense is cool and chicks dig the long ball. I get it. However, Defense will keep crystal balls in your trophy case and allow UGA prospects to knock them over and break them.

2) You're Screwing Everything Else Up -- Tommy Tubberville is on the hot seat right now because thought this "Spread" idea was a good one. Wonder where he got that from? Don't get me wrong, I hate him, but man, your disease of this "Spread" offense is, well, spreading. I'll be honest, I think the Spread is a flash in the pan and more teams nowadays are figuring out how to beat it. You had about a two-year head start where guys said "man that team is fast, we need to get faster players on Defense" and that's what they did. Beat up on UK all you want to, but speed won't win EVERY game. Sure didn't look that fast against Ole Miss.

1) Urban Meyer is Your Head Coach -- No need to go any further. The guy is a tool bag if there ever was one. Here's a list of some of his accomplishments:
I could keep going, but there's no need to. However, via Ally, Gators Wear Jean Shorts has this gem:

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Well, there you have it. Now you know WHY I hate Florida fans so much. So, join in down in the comments section and let me know why YOU hate them so much.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

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Anonymous UgaMatt said...
Best list I've ever read, although I don't even think Tebow is a "OK guy". I think he's a spoiled, home-schooled baby. This is the SEC, you don't CRY in the arms of your daddy(why was he even allowed on the field?) when you lose!!
I mostly agree with #1 though. I loathe Urbs more than I ever have any other coach. I fully expect that one day he's going to suffer the Fulmer treatment: All the kids he's promised playing time are going to realized he's been lying to them and quit on him. The only thing that might save him is there is so much talent in Florida that you have to be an idiot not to win(ie. Doug Dickey, Galen Hall, Charlie Pell, Ron Zook, any coach they've ever had not named Spurrier or Meyer).

Blogger Mackalicious said...
Just so you know, Simply Orange has joined the ranks of Gatorade in the Mackalicious household also.

It's all Publix/Kroger brand for us meow.

Anonymous Banshee said...
Stop pull over, I gotta take a gator!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
wow. that jib jab thing is just awesome. holy crap.

Blogger Bop said...
It's Urban Meyer for me. I just have absolutely no respect for him. Sure, I couldn't stand SOS, but I respected him. CUM is a fraud. A spoiled POS who has some things coming his way.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Loving the jib-jab. LMAO!!!!!