Editor's Note: For maximum effect, it's important to read this hate letter in a pious, yet almost discouraged, tone. Preachy, but not expectant of change. For a good example, it'd be about the same kind of tone Agent Smith uses in The Matrix trilogy.
Dear Florida (The State),
I don't like you. While your beaches may be nice and serene, you find ways of bringing in rednecks from around the globe to ruin it on any given weekend in the summer. While your Gulf of Mexico water may be crystal clear, on your side it's filled with the urine of guest stars on COPS, World's Deadliest Police Chases, and any other show you might randomly find on a boring Sunday while watching TruTV.
Your inhabitants are too northern to be considered southern and your geographical location is too southern to classify you as northern. You are purgatory. I'm sure you've heard of purgatory. It's for those without purpose. It's an area where you're not good enough to go to heaven and not too blatantly awful to be in hell.
I don't like your football teams. FSU is way past its prime, Dat UUUUUUUUUU is as inconsistent of a team that I've ever seen, and USF is an excuse for people around Orlando to see football. You do have one consistently good football team, though, in the Florida Gators. Tomorrow, we'll discuss my hate for them in more detail.
It's no secret that I'm a UGA fan, Florida. I've traveled past your borders for the past 10 years straight just to come out with two, count them, TWO victories. However, I kept going back for more and more, because I hate you Florida, and any day that I was able to dance in your street after a victory is a day I'll cherish. It's kind of like going into Emeril Lagasse's house and telling him his food sucks, then laughing uncontrollably as I munch down McDonald's in his face.
I won't be visiting you this year, Florida. I'll be here, hating you from afar. However, even though I'm one day late in kicking off Hate Week Part I for 2009, please know that I didn't forget you. I just couldn't find a way to adequately express myself until now.
It's not the same kind of boiling disgust that I have for that joke of a school, fan base and football team right down the street from my house. No, my hate for you Florida is a different kind. The same kind of hate the U.S. still has for Russia. That kind of hate where I can tolerate you, but I can't stand to be near you for extend stretches of time.
So, Florida, should there be a catastrophic earthquake where one state has to break off and drift out to sea, I'm choosing you. It would have been California, but they give us movies and good wine. You give us sand in our crotch and horrible drivers. I think my choice is justified.
P.S. -- No, seriously, I really don't like you at all.
Labels: I hate Florida, Stupid People