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The Dawg-gone Blog
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Monday, September 03, 2007
Every Tuesday, there will be a new installment of "The List." Think of it kind of like Doug's "Random Ten +5" but different. The inspiration comes from my tendency to rank things unnecessarily and figured it'd be a nice addition to the blog. Let me know if you like it/hate it in the comments section. Oh, and these posts will probably be laced with profanity because it's my chance every week to rant...and I have a filthy mouth.

Top 10 Coaches I'd like to kick in the nuts:

10. Houston Nutt -- Seriously, with a name like that, he just deserves it. It doesn't sound like he should be running a football team, but instead be a type-cast porn star whose money shot line is "Everything's bigger in Texas, baby." Add on the fact that I think he's one of the most overrated coaches in College Football and he's a shoe-in (pun intended).

"Is that how you like it? Everything's bigger in Texas, baby."

9. Steve Spurrier -- I know most of you probably expected this one to be higher, but I can't hate the Ol' Ball Coach as much as I used to. The truth is he's probably a blast to hang out with away from the game, and would whip your ass in golf. The only reason he gets the nod is because of all the years at Florida, the shit he's talked about UGA, and the fact that he hung 50+ on us in our house. A kick in the nuts is deserved, but not a totally swift one. Does anyone really believe he's into coaching at USC or is he just enjoying a free membership to Augusta National? And let's not even start on how funny some of the other shit he's said has been.

Seriously, some of this shit writes itself.

8. Chuck Amato -- How did this guy ever get a head coaching job? It's seriously one of the biggest mind-boggling things I've ever seen. He looks goofy as well, wore those shades non-stop, and I swear couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag. He took a great talent in Phillip Rivers and found a way to let him slip right through his eligibility. And then there's this picture:

"What? You want to kick me in the balls? WHY??!!??"

7. Urban Meyer -- Yeah the guy coaches Florida. But there are two blatant things that I just can't get past, whether he's the Gator coach or not. 1) The fact that everyone talks about his offense when Charlie Strong won the National Championship last year. 2) That he wore that damn ugly leather jacket after the Nat'l Championship game was over. Who told him that was a good idea? Did he have an audition for "Grease" or something?

"Why, this car is Auto-matic. Its System-matic. Its Hyyyyydro-matic. Why, its Greased Lightning!"

6. Phillip Fulmer -- Aside from the nicknames of "The Great Pumpkin" and all that jazz, what really pisses me off about this guy is how he runs what I feel is a dirty UT program. While UGA is consistently getting blasted in the media, UT players commit crimes left and right only to serve a one-game suspension (usually in a game that has no implications whatsoever). There is a reason why EDSBS named the award given to the dirtiest program every year the "Fulmer Cup." My prediction: This guy will be on one of the hottest seats in the country by the end of the year and he deserves it.

Gets hot under those man boobs, huh?

5. Dennis Franchione -- This one's the easiest of the bunch. He told the Alabama players that were facing some tough years due to NCAA violations that he "needed them to stick with Alabama," and then he bolted for the Texas A&M job because it was "his dream job." Since then he's sucked it up every year and deservedly so. He's an asshat if there ever was one.

What did you say? Couldn't understand you over all the bitch ass crying.

4. Pete Carroll -- Recruiting at USC is like recruiting at Miami. You're going to one of the most beautiful places on the planet as an 18 year-old all while being surrounded by some of the most gorgeous women you've ever seen. That's a layup in college football no matter who coaches there. Let's not forget that Pete Carroll has failed everywhere he's gone until he got to USC, and even though I hate Les Miles (who's coming up shortly on this list), he nailed it when he said the Pac-10 is a weaker conference than the SEC. I can't wait for the day USC loses Pete Carroll and then he goes somewhere else and sucks again.

3. Les Miles -- This guy is a blemish on the SEC. I couldn't smoke enough peyote to make me think that LSU fans really love him, and I can't wait for the Saturday this year when he goes out of his way to create a loss in a gift-wrapped win. Trust me, it will happen. Stir in the fact that he runs his mouth at times he shouldn't, put it in the bowl of cupcakes that LSU constantly feeds upon, and bake at a temperature of "WTF?" and you've got a delicious dish of "he won't be here past 2009."

I want "YOU" to come to LSU and underachieve.

2. Tommy Tuberville -- There is no other coach on this planet in any sport that whines more than this guy. He does it non-stop. Much like Urban Meyer, the success he enjoys is mainly due to his assistant coaches because before Al Borgess showed up and taught him how to utilize two phenomenal RBs, Tubberville was Auburn's version of Jim Donnan. He looks like the politician who will admit no wrongdoing, or the CEO that dipped into your pension to make himself richer than he should be. Oh, and academics? Don't even ask under this guy's watch.

Image from EDSBS.

1. Nick Saban -- Anyone surprised? Anyone? Seriously, was there ever a doubt? Let's be honest. He's a good coach. He really is. But, he's the kind of coach no one respects. Nobody likes him. I don't even think Alabama fans like him as much as they say they do. They know he'll get them wins, but none of them think he's the coach of the future. He'll stay as long as he can to maximize the potential of the program and then leave to get a larger payday. My guess is that if he isn't happy in two years and he can go to a program where he can win immediately, he's gone. Add on all the "I don't have time for this shit" and "Richt, I saw your players downtown in Athens the other night" comments and this guy deserves my Nike Swoosh imprinted on his scrotum more than anyone else.

"God Complex? How can I have a complex about myself?"

Honorable Mentions:

Lloyd Carr -- App. State deserved to be congratulated on their win, and I never saw him do that. That should've been the FIRST thing out of his mouth on every interview. However, even though he's always sucked, he' so old that I'd feel like I was kicking a man right before he enjoyed his apple sauce. You just can't beat up old people nowadays.

Chan Gailey -- Look, I hate Georgia Tech, but I don't hate this guy. Kicking him in the nuts would be the equivalent of beating up a special ed kid. Reggie Ball for 4 years? The guy's suffered enough.

So there's the first installment of The List. Like/Hate? Let me know.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

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Blogger Ally said...
Spurrier tops my list, not that I have one, but if I did he would win the title of the biggest a$$hat, has-been coach. ((He's a has-been b/c he hasn't done shit since he left UF!))
Sorry, but my hatred & loathing for that jerk runs deeper I suppose because I was at Georgia when he ignited the gators.
Great list - LOVE it!

Blogger Brett said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Nutt is one of those guys that everyone thinks is either underrated or overrated. No in-between