It turns out I'm a huge dork.

Like a gigantic dork.

And I fucking love it.

You see, coolness is not something I have really yearned for my entire life. Of course, being a chubby kid, there's a lot that could happen to you that could scar you for life. Lord knows I lived in fear of swimming with my shirt off or being called names and things like that when I was young. Now, I could give less of a shit. Once that puberty thing happened, I really just stopped caring (to an extent of course) of whether or not people thought I was cool. Mainly I just said what was on my mind and tried to be nice to everyone. For some reason, people thought that kind of brutal honesty, sound advice, and even more solid friendship made me a cool person.

So then I got to thinking (and I've only done this "thinking" thing lately), why was I considered "cool*?"

*For all intents and purposes, I'm assuming people think I'm actually cool.

Then it turns out to be that according to society, I'm NOT cool. I'm totally not cool. I don't set trends, I'm funny but that doesn't make me cool, and I don't have cute hair like I used to. In fact, I'm slowly balding and what isn't bald is quietly becoming gray and it's getting worse by the day.

So, if I'm not cool, then what am I?

Well, I'm not a geek or a nerd because I do feel as if I have personality. Personality takes you out of such societal atrosities (sp?) as geekiness and nerdiness and places you in one gigantic category: The Dork.

And I fucking love it. Chicks dig dorks. Dorks are smart and passionate and sensitive. Which, by the way, is everything I claim to be. Dorks don't fuck their girlfriend's best friends and/or sisters and dorks tend to have some sort of a moral compass. Their dorkiness, and not their looks, makes them attractive. Something I've had to deal with my entire life.

I am a dork.

You see, every day this week I've come home and watched The O.C. Season One on DVD. I can't get enough of it. The damn show is so witty that if it wasn't a drama, it'd be like Sportscenter without the sports. And I got to thinking that I'd really like to be Seth. You know Seth, the frat boy without the frat who is incredibly witty but with dimples and bed hair. I would love to be that guy. BUT I'M NOT THAT GUY. You know who I am?

Sandy (Peter Gallagher without the eyebrows). Just as witty, not as good looking, and most of the time, I feel like I'm a parent when looking after those that are close to me. Hell I'll take it because his TV wife is fucking hot.

So, let's go over what I am. I'm a dork. The kind that probably fell in love with his best friend (not best guy friend you asses) and was always the "perfect boy" but never the "perfect boyfriend." Being a child of the 80s, I'm a hopeless romantic and love movies with good music that was created for a specific scene in said movie (see "Breakfast Club", "Weird Science", etc.).

And the best part about it is that I'm not cool, but I'm cool with that.

Today's lesson kids is that today I feel like I'm on the cusp of the rest of my life. You know, the kind of feeling you get when you just know you're about to meet a great girl. It's that "knot in the gut" thing. Something good is about to happen I think. And I'll be right there with a witty comeback, nervous hands, and a little self conciousness to perfectly execute my dorkiness.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleep to catch up on. I'd say beauty rest, but I'm a dork, not a metrosexual.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

A RACcoon that is...

Sorry, that was [NAME REDACTED]'s idea. It came when I was explaining what happened to the front end of my Scion. That was probably the best line of the weekend.

Speaking of the weekend, I got a lot of "education" about life in general. The job interview went well. Nothing really amazing. Unless they come with heat, I don't believe I'll take it. I'd rather suffer a couple more months down here instead of taking another job I'll be hating in 6 months. I'll get back to my newfound patience in another post maybe. Let's just leave it at that I'm really confused but really cool with that right now. It's just weird man.

Anyway, here are the things I learned this weekend:

1. No matter what ever happens or how far you are apart, it's always wonderful to see old friends.

2. Two people getting married for all the right reasons really does make for a fantastic wedding. It doesn't hurt that one of them is the "Pecan Princess" either.

3. The closer it comes to D-Day, the more at peace I think [NAME REDACTED] is. You looked really good my friend. I'm speaking from experience.

4. [NAME REDACTED], Ellen and myself do NOT make for a comfortable sleep.

5. It's ok to be THAT guy (in a drunken stupor sense), as long as you follow these guidlines:

• You must be willing to sing on stage
• You must be willing to dance in a circle
• You must contribute to everyone else's fun evening
• You must take lots of pictures
• You must take them over and over again because you're too drunk to operate the camera

However, after all that, here's the most important thing I learned...

6. Things happen in your life and you don't understand, but then you see people you care about and you see how they are generally excited about your well-being. You watch a great friend marry the love of his life and for the first time in a long time, you're not jealous it wasn't you that found that happiness. You realize that a wedding is all about the girl. The honeymoon is all about the guy. You get super drunk and fall around and it's OK. You smoke a cigar in your own vehicle so now your mouth and interior smell like a fart, and it's OK. However, most importantly, you leave and feel better about the hand you've been dealt lately because when you take away the material shit and geographical locations, you're still the same guy you were 2 years ago and your friends are as well. Not only that, but when it's all said and done, you can look at them and not only are your most fond memories playing through your head, but theirs are of you as well.

To be honest, I didn't really learn anything. I just got reminded.

Sorry it's not the most eloquent thing I've ever written. I'll do better soon, but I'm just too tired right now. I'll be sharing some good music and lyrics with you guys soon as well.

However, this will have to wait until I blow through season one of The O.C. I'm already on disc 4 and I got it Sunday. That, my friends, is just shameful, but it's oh-so-good.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

Just to let everyone know I'll be non-blogging for the next few days, since I'll be interviewing for an interesting position in Atlanta as well as watching two more of my good friends joing each other for the rest of their lives.

In case you were also thinking this, weddings are great for me to get over the idea of being with someone. Once I see both bride and groom freaking their shit out, it makes my pace of life seem quite awesome. Besides, now's a perfect time to see if I can cash in on "The Wedding Crashers" movie before it hits theaters, because we all know women will be too smart to know I'm trying to sleep with them after that movie comes out. Right now, it's still so much a whisper on the movie scene that I don't think it will cause much flack in my game (or lack thereof). Also for those scoring at home, I've converted 2 of the last 3 weddings I've been at into at least getting some sugar. We all know how I'm a fan of sugar (kissin) and not splenda (jerking off) so we'll see what happens.

For those of you scoring at home, the one time I didn't get any was because I was dating Courtney. 'Nuff said there.

Alright everyone, have a great weekend, please be safe and we'll get back in touch after my liver recovers.


Until next time kids.

Be safe.


P.S. -- Sample some Michael Buble over the weekend and report to me on your findings. I personally love:

"Dream a little dream of me"
"Moondance"
"Feeling Good"
"Home" <----Have whiskey and deep thoughts ready.
"Fever"

Man I'm feeling much better today. I can't even begin to tell you how liquor goes hand in hand with soul searching. Am I still missin the girl? Of course I am, but not like yesterday. Today is much much better. Reality called, it apparently wanted me back. She's missin me a little too and that's all that matters. Everything else will play itself out and I got a plan. I haven't told her yet because she's at work but I know she'll be fine with it so I'm feelin good man. Feelin really good...and I haven't even poured my first drink of the night yet.

Just to sum up what I've decided I'll revert back to that "breaking point" I discussed in the previous blog. While I do believe she is a great girl, I got afraid of losing her completely after having a week-long visit with an outcome neither of us expected. What I really don't want to happen is for her and I to not have a friendship. The way things are now sucks and I know she agrees. As soon as I can tell her that, things will be back to normal I hope. Honestly, this past week was great, but I'd forget it all if I could have her call me again on her breaks or before she goes to bed. She'd be a helluva girlfriend to someone, but right now, I would really just like her to be a great friend to me until something tells both of us to move in a different direction, if that even happens at all. If it doesn't, that's cool too. It's just the way it's supposed to be. I don't know the future but I know today and I have an idea about tomorrow. Past that, I'm tired of worrying about things I can't control. Honestly, I'm quite content with just having her in my life. Besides, if the roles were reversed, she'd be a great friend to me, so I shouldn't drag her down with my own fears and selfishness. For what I've put her through, I'm really sorry. I hope one way or the other, she finds that out.

Sorry for airing out all my personal biz, but I write for my own piece of mind and no one else's. So if you don't like it, get over it.

Amos' wedding is still this weekend. Apparently they're actually going to tie the knot. I'm absolutely cool with that since Amos isn't going to find a better woman. She's good lookin too, which never hurts. Cheers to them.

[NAME REDACTED], haven't heard anything from ya as far as the move, but I will be honest, all the memories you're conjuring up in your posts are excluding me. Maybe you don't like me that much after all. I mean I only gave you 5 years worth of headaches. Rusty's been doing that for a lot longer than me.

I wish I could see all you guys this weekend but I have a job interview and then I'm immediately leaving Atlanta for the bustling metropolis of Wrens.

Like I said, it should be fun.

Thanks for all the people that were concerned about me. It's good to know I got friends in low places. By the way, y'all keep my friend Stacy in your thoughts. She lost her father about a week ago and I know it's tough on her. She's a strong girl, though and should be just fine. It's just a tough situation. As much as I bitch, please understand that off the record, I'm quite thankful for the life, family, and friends I have. Without them, I'd be nothing...no shit.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

Alright, fair warning. If you don't like to read my yapping about heartache, then stop here. I'm serious, this could be depressing at times.

So I've kind of been keeping a secret from everyone. There's a girl. A damn good one. We've been keeping in touch for the better part of a year and a half and we both finally said "let's see each other." Well, she just left and I'm fuckin hurting. The bad news is there's nothing I can do about it.

When she got down here, she realized that we can't do the long distance thing and honestly, I don't blame her. I'm very anti-LD and she is as well. We've both done it and we've both gotten burned. Now make no mistake about it, this is one fabulous girl. She's pretty, smart, sassy, funny and just all around cute. She's got just about every quality I look for in a person, including class and sincerity. She's the kind of girl you're overjoyed to lay in the same bed with and be glad to wake up next to in the morning. She's the first person in a long time that motivates me to do great things. Honestly, she's just a girl and I totally dig that about her. She loves shoes and shopping, likes to party, but also loves her sweatpants.

The best part about her is that she cares about me too.

Now I don't know how excited she's going to be about me sharing this blog with the whole world. I hope she understands that even though this story doesn't really have a happy ending...it actually doesn't have an ending but I digress...this is a great story. Some of the best posts I've ever written have been inspired by how she makes me feel sometimes. She's as genuine as it gets and nowadays, that's hard to come by.

However, she gets down here and realizes there can be no "us." The even worse part is that I agree to an extent. There's a breaking point in every "relationship" (I use quotation marks because technically, it's not a relationship yet at this breaking point) where both people have to decide whether or not the other person is worth the chance of getting hurt. Also, with so many miles between us, the chances rise. Even though I swore I'd never do another LD relationship, I changed my mind about doing it to just thinking about it. She went the other way and realized essentially, the odds aren't worth the bet. No fault of hers, she's just watching out for herself. That's to be respected greatly, since I don't have that kind of strength.

She still cares about me and I don't want to stop caring about her. She's not the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's not going to like me saying that but I think she'll agree that I'm not either. However, she is great and great is what I need.

Now she's on a plane and she's leaving after 7 days of us getting to know one another face to face. It's tough. It's a lot tougher on me than it is on her. I made no mistake in telling her how I felt. She's worth the risk, and when it comes to matters of my heart, I hang them out like a pinata for everyone to take a swipe. She's made her decision and she's sticking to it, but I swear that I will not go down without a fight. She's won me over and if I gotta go without her, then it won't be the first time, but this time, I'm not lying down and letting her go like I did last time. Last time, it was about the other one doing what she wanted all the time without any regard for how I felt. No remorse. Today, the girl was actually getting upset on the phone while I was tearing up because she's hurting too. She might not say it, but I know somewhere she is. It sucks to get hurt, and I try to do it as rarely as possible, but sometimes it can't be avoided.

I don't know for sure, but I don't think anyone's ever stood up and fought FOR her instead of WITH her. I'm not pushing, I'm just letting her know where I stand, and even if I'm my own island in how I feel, I'm cool with that. At least she knows and that's all I can ask for.

So tonight, while she's cruising at an altitude of 20,000 feet, I'll have my glass in one hand and my other hand will be clicking depressing music (speaking of which, Michael Buble's "Home" is WORTH the download for times like these...add that to the list) while I pour out Jack Daniels like I'm pouring out my words.

This weekend I'll be at a wedding wishing she was there too. However, she still cares about me and that means more than I could tell you guys. Sure I'm not head over heels for this girl so why am I hurting? Because for the first time in a long time, someone cared. That means a lot to me.

A whole lot.

So right now I'm on my lunch break even though I don't feel like eating and I'm getting all of this out of my head before it drives me insane. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach so hard that my eyes are tearing up. But I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of her. We both stuck to our guns even though I don't think either of us really wanted it to be that way.

At least she knows I care too and that I don't mind getting hurt. I don't like getting hurt, but if that's what it takes to make sure I leave without saying "I meant to," then damnit that's what I'm gonna do. What's even better is that when I told her I wouldn't hurt her, I really think she believed me. Nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't hurt her because she's never hurt me and she doesn't want to, which again, is a welcome reprieve from the sting of the last relationship.

So for any of you that might be worried about how I feel, don't be. I'm fine and I'll continue to be fine. I'm just hurting right now because the wound is still fresh. Give me a couple of days and I'll be right as the mail. But quietly, secretly, I'll miss her and I'll want her back down here just to hold her. She knows that and that's all I can ask for.


Until next time kids.

Be safe.

Have you ever told yourself today was a great day even though you really didn't believe it?

Have you ever wondered why sometimes the least likely thing to happen actually happens?

Have you ever wondered when you order at a drive-thru, they never understand you?

Have you ever wondered how we ever existed without the technology we have now?

Have you ever wondered why your mind is your best friend and worst enemy at the same time?

Have you ever done all you could and tried and tried and it just kept failing and failing?

Have you ever met a person that you were attracted to and didn't know why?

Have you ever done something you knew had no good outcome but did it anyway just "to live?"

Have you ever wanted to dream something just because you knew it'd never happen any other way? (Get your damn mind out of the gutter [NAME REDACTED]...and Russ...and everyone else.)

Have you ever found yourself admiring someone that is rich beyond belief, wildly beautiful and "talented" but realized they haven't sacrificed for their country, and then you felt guilty?

Have you ever read a blog that was so pointless to anyone but me?

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

So Amos' Bachelor Party was last weekend.

Heh.

That should let you know, Mr. Maley, to NEVER EVER EVER let me plan another bachelor party. By the way, I'm never getting married because I'm aware that payback is a bitch.

Here's a quick rundown of what we did (edited for the kids at home):

1. Rented a 2005 Yukon XL with leather, Bose system, and DVD.

2. Arranged times for people to arrive and dinner times at Outback.

3. Amos picked up Tim Smith at a time much later than even I expected. It's been known that Amos is late, but he was really late, making his punishment worse. In fact, he was so late that I got to make up the joke "We always know Amos is late seeing us, but when he sees his fiancee, the only 'late' she knows has 'Premature Ejacu' in front of it." It was a good one if I say so myself.

4. Went to Outback and ate like it was our last meal. 2 Points for us being the loudest table there by far as well. Quick shout-out to the MILFs that sat across from us.

5. Went to my house for a Pregame Celebration. I stayed sober, but to give you an idea of what happened, I'll say that I'm out of Tequila.

6. Made Amos' "Say Goodbye to Bachelor Life" DVD. A must-see for anyone over the age of 18.

7. Went to a local classy establishment where 100 beers went to 15 and lots of hooting, hollering and etc. I don't want to give away details but I will let you know that Amos was beat so bad he almost started screaming "My name is Kunta Kinte."

8. Madness ensues, place closes, we take Tim back to the hotel.

9. Line of the night:

"Hey guys, do you know what that is?"
"No, what?"
"The SUN."

10. Passed out.

Big thanks to everyone who came. I know it meant a lot to Amos and it really meant a lot to me because I was in charge of planning it. You guys saved my ass. Just kidding...kinda. We'll see most, if not all, of you next weekend. Thanks again, it was definitely a time to remember.

And Amos, I gave you a lot of shit, but you know I'm really excited for you. I have to be. Sue-Anna would KILL me if I was in dissention about it. You've found a good one, my friend. Hold on tight.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

As I sit here at home eating lunch (today I had a little business to do on the Islands so I figured I'd save a buck or two and eat here), I thought I'd post a little update of something I found absolutely hilarious.

However, before I go any further, I invite everyone to watch the full video to "Ass Like That" to your immediate right. It's a good chuckle regardless if you're a fan of Eminem or not. By the way, if you want me to try and get some specific videos (they have to be popular so random shit will not be available...sorry) to play here, I'll give it a whirl.

Moving on. I feel it is my duty as a politically-minded individual to keep you abreast (insert chuckle here followed by joke about my man boobs) of happenings in the world. Part of living in this country means paying attention to The War Against Terror, or "TWAT."

*Editor's Note: We all know I am incredibly greatful for the sacrifices made by military families. If you come to me with "I can't believe you'd trivialize those sacrifices with a TWAT joke." Then I will destroy you.*

If you'll notice, I have posted a current Terror Alert Level meter to your immediate right. It is my duty as a citizen of this country to keep you informed and so therefore, consider yourself informed.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

So, since I vowed to not bitch anymore in my blogs I'll just give a quick update of what's going on with the job situation and my life in general.

1. Today my bosses gave me the proverbial "last straw."

2. Westwayne is no longer hiring for that position. Due to budget cuts, they're not even going to hire anyone. I talked to them about an internship but that's way off in the future.

3. My last day at Clear Channel (tentatively) will be July 15. However, I'm certain I will not be an employee by July 31.

4. I will probably be moving home to Perry for a while to get my finances straight and focus on getting another job in Atlanta. I could live in Perry, wait tables and not accumulate any more debt or I could keep sinking here, so as much as it pains me to say this, I'll probably be Perry bound for a MINIMAL amount of time. At least Mom's happy about it.

5. I lost another 1/2 pound this week. Don't know how that happened, especially after last weekend, but I refuse to argue with my scale. That brings the grand total to 15 pounds so far. Congratulate me as I gorge on cheese fries.

6. Amos' Bachelor party is still tomorrow evening. IF you're coming, please get here ASAP on Friday because we'd like to eat out before the evening's activities. However, I'd rather you be here than be on time, so get here when you can, if you can.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

Damn I'm tired. It'd be nice to get one decent night of sleep. However, since I apparently complain ALL the time in my blog (I'm not going to lie, that statement is accurate), I'm going to refrain from any kind of bitching whatsoever about my job, my search for a new job, or how damn poor I am.

What I will say is that I had an amazing time last weekend. I got to see nearly every single person I've ever been close to all within the course of about 3 days. It was absolutely stunning. In fact, I got to meet new people that I had always wanted to speak with, but couldn't for whatever reason, which is mainly because I just wasn't cool when they were.

[NAME REDACTED] -- Thanks for allowing me to say the wrong things at the wrong time and I'm not just talking about the Roast. You have always backed me up when it was deserved and sat me down when that was deserved as well. I truly consider you one of the greatest friends I have, even though I'm pretty shitty for not keeping up as much as I could have. However, I know completely what you're going through and just like you used to let me bend your ear about Medium D, you can bend mine about what you're experiencing. Those emotions are still fresh in my mind. My couch is always available for a weekend retreat to the beach should you ever need one. Thank you for your friendship and please understand that I will always look up to you because even though you had instances where you could have been a complete ass (even when it was deserved), you always sacrificed for the greater good, whether they knew it or not. Thank you for introducing me to my first drink of humility...and my first Jack and Coke.

Moving on. Sara(h) Oob is shit hot. I told her so. Laura and Ln are as well, but since they know this because I've told them, it's not that big of a deal to say it again. Also, Mike Oob, Leslie and Jim all rock my face off. Oob is taller than I remember...both of them.

Scott and Mike, holy shit it was great to see you guys. Along with [NAME REDACTED], both of you each bring your own greatness when being with other people. I'd trust both of you with nuclear secrets should the situation ever present itself. Mike, if I ever get roasted, I hope you can do an impression of me like you did with [NAME REDACTED]. It was dead on.

Russ, Ln, Tim, and Leigh -- THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE A PART OF THAT ROAST. I'd go on and on, but honestly, that's the strongest statement I can make. Also, it was fantastic to see all of you. Russ, I hope you don't mind me sleeping with Ln...I just booked our rooms and we got 2 queens for 4 people. If she snuggles me, though, I can't blame her. I AM that soft. Also, mad props to my homey Bitch D for the spins, yo. Trey, you can be the narrator for my Lifetime movie.

Moving on yet again.

Amos' bachelor party is this Friday at 9'ish. Basically, just get here. I've got a few things planned but it will involve a guys' retreat with strippers and alcohol. Yes, we are doing this Kit Kitchens style bitches. Bring your ass if you can, all (excluding the female gender) are invited.

I'm tired. Can't say that shit enough.

Again, thank you all for a wonderful past weekend and I really hope I can do a better job of keeping in touch with each of you. Sorry if I've been off the map for the past year, it's just been a helluva ride and I wasn't strapped in at the time.

Until next time kids.

Be safe.