First of all, a special thank you to [NAME REDACTED] who coached me through the process while eating at The Grill (no, I don't believe he was drunk at the time).

As threatened, here are the photos from the 3DD BBQ hosted by yours truly and the staff of 97.3 Kiss FM.

First, here's a picture of myself and Staisha, a friend of mine from Perry. She was kind enough to take all of these photos, so I appreciate that very much.



Next we have another picture of the same variety and if you would, please notice the "Clear Channel Radio" polo I am wearing. Yes, I am a corporate bitch.



Here is a wonderful photo of me and the lead singer of 3DD, Brad.



Here is another of the same variety. Now, if you would, please notice the fake-ass smile on my face. I had an absolute blast, so you think I'd have been able to eke out a decent smile. Smiling for photos has never been a strong suit of mine.



Lastly, we have a large photograph of the entire 3DD band and the Kiss Fm staff. Oh happy day.





Well, there ya go. Not much to say about the event other than it was a FUCKING HASSLE to put together, but a great experience nonetheless. 3DD was a great group of guys and were incredibly cool and down to earth. So far, the only true celeb bitch thus far that I've met has been Kimberly Locke from American Idol (she finished 3rd in the second season). Of course, I'd be pissed off too if I lost anything to Clay Aiken...even Yahtzee!

I'll probably blog a LOT this weekend because (thankfully) I have nothing better to do.

Until later tonight...

Be safe.

1. Thanks to everyone for being nice to me.

2. I'm still in a funk, I don't know why.

3. I hate my job more and more each day.

4. I get to meet 3 Doors Down tomorrow. Hopefully pics will be up soon.

5. I have no creativity right now, that's why I haven't blogged lately.

6. Hot pockets are good...Lean Pockets are just O.K.

7. Rusty, I hate Smingular.

8. LN, you rock my face off.

9. No that was NOT flirting.

10. Goodnight.


Be Safe.

Fair warning. I have said before that I don't like airing out my dirty laundry and while I don't enjoy it, sometimes it helps. It's like having a bad mood. Sometimes, it just helps to spread it around.

I don't think it's any big secret that I am single and don't like it. I have never enjoyed being a single guy. I don't know if that's from lack of confidence of finding another person to care for, or maybe it's just my nature to want to be with someone. I think it's a little of both honestly. However, being single is typically what I am and it's honestly what people view me as. There are two types of people out there: 1) those who always have a significant other(s) and 2) those who are perpetually single. I'm, of course, number two.

Most of the time this doesn't bother me. However, there are select times where this drives me absolutely crazy. Now before you keep on reading, I'd just like to state for the record, to all of my friends that have girlfriends and/or wives and have invited me to functions, I AM NOT BITCHING ABOUT YOU. I always enjoy hanging out with friends. Always. Whether you're married or not, please don't un-invite me to shit just because you're afraid I might take it the wrong way or get pissed by being a third or fifth wheel.

Today I got back from being at Amos and Sue-anna's for one of their many engagement parties, and while I had a wonderful time, I still could not help but wonder when this was going to happen to me. Those two kids are entirely happy together and I know they will be for the rest of their days. It's no secret that I have always been ready to settle down, even during my hardcore partying days at school. I think I have just functioned better as a person when I have someone to share my experiences. Now this may come off as too incredibly sappy but I could care less about sex. All I want is that old feeling back from when I was with Courtney, Kelly, or any other long-term relationship I've had. I miss kissing, cooking and waking up next to someone. Please believe, that's it. Sex, like Tennessee's football team, is overrated.

And ya know what I really don't like? When people tell me how great of a guy I am. I know y'all mean well, but ya know how crappy it is to hear someone tell you how awesome you are and then pick some piece of shit to date, or worse, they tell you how wonderful of a guy you are and then you stay single while they KEEP TELLING YOU. I mean I understand I'm a decent guy but my friends must be the only ones that think so because I'll be damn if anyone else does. People wonder why I'm on this huge quest to lose weight and all I have to do is point them to all the friends I have in Savannah...all zero of them (if you exclude the ones from work). We live in a looks-based society and unless I change mine real soon, I'll be single for a long time. Truth be known, I don't expect anyone to date someone they're not attracted to, so obviously I'm an unattractive guy. And please, don't post comments rejecting my ideas and opinions on this. There's a reason I'm still single, let's not ignore it so I can save face. Hell I'll be the first guy to say I don't like dating overweight women. I'm not going to be hypocritical and bitch about no one wanting to date me.

The reason I was so upset when Courtney and I split was that it truly fucked up my five-year plan. I mean fucked it ALL up. I had always dreamed I would know whom I was going to marry by the time I graduated. Mainly because I knew in the real world, it'd be tougher to meet people. So, of course I was shattered when it was over. Now what I should've done is picked myself up and started a little relationship here and there with the people I know I could've dated instead of biding my time until I moved away. I could've learned how to effectively date (I still have no game, no clue about game and I could give less of a damn about game) and that probably would've helped down here.

Basically, today I'm using my blog as my own personal journal as opposed to my political mouthpiece. I'm totally jealous of Amos and Sue-anna because I think we all know how lucky both are to have the other one. I assume I'll be taken soon enough, but it's not happening at a rate that I'm happy with (of course no one gets that luxury) and with times increasingly getting tougher, something's got to give. All I do know is that this is my journey and times will get bumpy before they get smooth. The plane might be going down, but at least my seats double as flotation devices (that's the best I could come up with).

Until next time kids...

Be safe.


"Tell her,
Tell her she can kiss my ass, then laugh and say that you were only kidding
That way she’ll know that it’s really, really, really, really me, me"

~~ R.E.M. "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite"

Shit, you kids just make me have to rant and rave sometimes. I swear. Every time I have a good day, y'all have to go off and bring out my politically incorrect side just to set you straight.

This time it's about...

*hold your breath*

Religion.

Yeah, anti-climactic I'm sure. But seriously, it's got to end. All the way from the news media's obsession with Pope Eggs XVI to right-wing "zealots" screaming from the trees. When did having faith become so taboo? Are we becoming a society that constantly bitches about whether or not the Ten Commandments should exist ANYWHERE? Look, I'm as big a fan of seperation of church and state as anyone, but stop with the Bible thumping on one side and the Bible burning on the other. I'm sick of being looked at as a right-wing zealot because I have faith and happen to be moderate. Wanna know why I'm so pro-republican? BECAUSE IT'S BETTER THAN SERVING A PARTY THAT BITCHES CONSTANTLY. You lost the majority in the House and Senate for a reason, douchebags. Figure your shit out. Throwing more bombs at any conservative within target range isn't going to help. Compromise and understanding will.

And please, before you start deciding how you're going to refute what I say, let's just get this straight...you CAN'T.

Why? Because I'm right and you know it. This whole wonderful country has turned into a big ass label. Either you have faith or not, red or blue, conservative or liberal, ketchup or mustard. I like both on my burger damn it and I won't have it any other way!

What set me off? Of course I'll tell you. That's the purpose of my blog...to tell you why I do the shit I do. I was reading this today and came across something I just didn't agree with. If you'll scroll down through there you'll see "Christianity is stupid. Give up." Even though I like Tony and I thoroughly enjoy his blog, I kind of had an epiphany (it means "sudden truth" Jonathan). That epiphany is people that have no faith sure are testy.

Before I begin my presentation of why this is true, I want you all to know that there will be stereotypes, generalizations, and unprovable facts (oxymoron I know). However, you know I'll be right and can argue the point so go ahead and try if you must but I'd rather you not waste your time.

Now, people without faith tend to be testy and more depressed than people with faith. And I'm not just talking about Christians either. Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc. all seem to have more peace about themselves if they put their faith in a higher authority. Ya know why? I think it's because the world just isn't as cool if you don't think there's anything after it. For example, getting married to the woman you love just doesn't seem as cool when you're about to watch your singleness die right in front of you. Life without afterlife is kind of like that. Why be so good and nice and all that shit if it's not going to get you anywhere? Hell, why not just go ahead and end it early? Save yourself some time.

You laugh at me and my other friends with faith saying that we're in the dark when your quest to be so "different" and "enlightened" about the "lies" we believe is nothing short of...normal. You want to be so different because you don't agree and all you end up doing is bitching like the other aetheists around you. I mean I'm sorry to put it so bluntly but it's true. Remember when Goth was actually different? Just give it one more year and everyone will say the same thing about not having faith. You'll say "I don't believe there is a God" and instead of coming off like the Yale graduate you pretend to be, what you'll hear from the person you're talking to is "Oh great...another one."

Seriously men and women. If you choose to not have religion please do so in your own manner. No one is shoving Christianity or any other religion down your throat just like no one is really holding the black man down anymore. Is there prejudice? Yes. But in today's society we are more judged on our accomplishments than ever before. I'm hoping and *gasp* praying that the pissing contest over which liberal can bash more conservatives while calling them zealots gets over soon. I just can't take it anymore.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Fuck the argument over left and right. Let's get back to right and wrong.

I could seriously bitch all day about this but it's pointless. Stop labeling people, do something nice for someone today and just because people believe Terri Shiavo shouldn't have been STARVED TO DEATH, it doesn't make them fanatical. I agree that church and state should be seperate and I also agree that Christians wouldn't feel so happy go lucky if a Jew was president. However, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop with the bitching. If you're going to fling your poop, fling it at a worthy cause. We need to secure the border (political suicide for both parties) and energy prices are rising (again, a political noose). Let's focus our attention on what makes us all a part of this great country...

Namely the fact we all bleed red, breathe oxygen, and when the sun goes down, we are still friends.

"The circumcision has already begun
Desensitizing the very thing or thang that brought
you into this motherfucker in the first place
And when I say "motherfucker" I do mean "motherfucker"
Because Mother Earth is dying and we continue to fuck her to death
Play with your own score sheet, become the master of your own bation
And yes, God is watching you, but no need to be embarrassed
For the future is in your hands, no the future is in your hand
Play with your own score sheet" ~~Outkast "Vibrate"

Until next time kids.

Be safe.

Geez man. Is the "Pope TV" gonna end? We got it. He's a big time dude in the Catholic Church. He's like THE guy...with a hat. He reads from a big book too. But given all this, do we really need 24 non-stop hours of white smoke? Hell if you wanted that, set up a camera outside of [NAME REDACTED]'s house when he's writing music.

I honestly think the white smoke came after all the media outlets sent in notes saying "please make it end." You know as much as we hated watching it on TV for the past 2 weeks, the news anchors for the major networks had to have hated being there. Right now they're saying "Thank God" in a much different way than any of those Catholics hanging out with nothing better to do. Priests are the exception though. They could be there because basically, their bosses were locked up with no way of knowing the Priests were just partying...or touching children.

Here's what gets me, though. Some people have been following this too closely. Even though Rusty followed because he's like a 6-foot Vegas, other people were actually more interested in how conservative the Pope was going to be.

Have we really become so red state/blue state that even the Pope has to be labeled? I got news for all you guys. The Pope is the head of the CHURCH. The CHURCH is conservative. It's not like this Pope is gonna just come right out and say "How about that Hillary Clinton?" He ain't gonna fuckin do it. Stop trying to make news where there is none. I mean we all know some folks were hoping this new Pope would say "Birth control is cool." Well he's not. But even if he did, would that make him a more liberal pope? Shit man.

Fuck left and right. Bring back right and wrong.

Back to Pope Watch. I really don't like the name. Every time I hear it, I'm like "Pope Eggs 16th" or "Pope Traitor 16th." I still think he would've been better as:

Pope Johnny Number 5!!! He's Alive!!!

I hope you like that picture. I've laughed all day since I conjured that image up. I must credit an online friend of mine for putting that together because I really REALLY screwed it up when I tried. If you make any money off of it, you owe us both copyright money. At least I hope so.

Alright, I think I'm gonna close out this edition of the Dawg-gone Blog. If you haven't noticed, I'm going to make a serious attempt at blogging every day. If you'll notice, I've added a site meter and all of my friends' blogs off to the side. Feel free to check them out as well. I want to really build traffic to the site. Why? I don't know and I couldn't even tell you. Let's just say since I don't have the balls to actually write and perform the stand-up I've always said I was going to do, then I'll just write and perform here for you guys. And who knows, maybe along the way I'll say some important shit.

Until next time...

Be safe.

It's absolutely mind boggling how this huge this blogging craze has become. When I spoke to [NAME REDACTED] last and he mentioned his blog, he said "we've all got one." I took that as "Rusty, myself and maybe a couple of other people occassionally write in blogs." What it meant actually was "The world is blogging, where the fuck are you?"

I'll give you the 10 peso version of blogs. The term "blog" is short for "web log." Now "web log" is like the term "good looking lesbian." Supposedly they exist but no one's actually seen them. No one has a "web log." They have a forum where they can express their ideas without fear. For the first time, anyone with access to the internet can post their thoughts, feelings, commentary, and ideas without a gatekeeper rejecting anything.

It's like our own personal newspaper or periodical. Bloggers played a minor role in getting Bush back in office...so did John Kerry but I think he did that indirectly.

So this phenomenon (probably spelled that wrong, but it's my fucking blog, I can do that) has really turned into our mouthpiece where 0s and 1s can come together to form our thoughts for the masses. Look at the levels it can reach. Take Tony Simon for instance. The man is a VERY well known blogger and if you wanted to take it a step further, you could have a small argument that Matt Drudge is a blogger as well. The possibilities are endless.

You say you want a revolution? Well ya know, we all wanna blog the world.

Ponder that shit for a while.

Moving on...

Fuck Dodgeball...but 24 owns. The Jack Bauer Power Hour rolls on.

Thanks to everyone who said little encouraging things to me. I don't mean to bring my personal emotions to this blog...I really don't. But sometimes the only way to really get things off of my mind is to write them out. Since I have people asking for new blogs on a consistent basis (which is a great compliment...you actually give a damn what I write about), sometimes I just blog what I'm doing in my life without any kind of purpose as to why you should know.

Here's the picture of the day. I wonder who was having the most fun.

Let's just take this piece by piece:

1. Russ(tee) and LN both came and saw my Savannah existence on Saturday. It was indeed a great experience to see the two of them. I can't even tell you when I saw those two kids last. I know it's been a while, but it took nearly no-time to flashback to old times. Thanks to both of you for visiting, and Russ, Dodgeball fucking blew ass. You know it did. Anchorman owns your soul.

2. I was incredibly intoxicated during the Ben Stiller post but damnit, I meant every word. I really don't like that guy.

3. For all intents and purposes I'm going through a helluva time in my personal life right now. I don't know what to do with my parents and their situation. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with them. It's a damn sad day when I feel more like the parent than either of those two. I wish I was rich enough to not depend on the small amount (and it is a small amount I swear) of money they give me each month for me to get buy. I'd do anything to be completely independent of this situation.

I love my parents and they love me and the fucked up thing is they love each other. But I honestly believe a mid-life crisis coupled with long distances and even illegal substances have played wrecking ball with those two. Of course I get to hear all about it but it's not about that...what it's more about is watching my Mom change into a person I don't know and watching my Dad stuggle. Remember when your parents were superheroes? Those days are long gone here. I look up to them so much and yet they do so many things to let me down.

I'm not even sure if I should publish all this for fear my Mom could read it. I don't want her to know how disappointed I am in the whole situation but damn it, I can't keep it in anymore. And I appreciate all of you who will leave messages and comments saying that if I need help, you're there. I really do appreciate all of it. However, this is one thing I don't want to share in spoken word. In print it's so much easier. Ya know what amazes me is that there aren't any eloquent words or statements to help in times like these and to try to put them into some audible form would do a great injustice I'm sure. All I know is that I'm hurting and I can't stop.

4. The job search continues. CC Radio Savannah is better than it has been in a while but I can't live without the stability. At the end of the month people are always either elated or their faces are as blank as the check I wish Bill Gates would cut me. I can't live like that. It's not my nature to live day-to-day or month-to-month. I have a five-year plan and damnit, it doesn't include not knowing if my next paycheck will be the biggest one (or smallest one) for the next 6 months.

What's most impressive about the job hunt is that I don't know what moving to Atlanta will accomplish. I really don't. Other than the obvious of being closer to that which makes me comfortable (namely friends and family), I really don't know if I'm just running from my problems again. Courtney doesn't read this blog and even if she did, she couldn't refute anything I'm about to say so here we go with the explanation of why I'm here in the first place:

First and foremost I couldn't find a job. I needed one so bad because I've never been the guy that enjoys living off of mom and dad. Can't do it, won't do it. I don't like helping hands. Secondly, I honestly thought that moving down here would get Courtney and myself back together. Why I thought that, I don't know. I couldn't justify it if I tried but I wanted her back so bad at the time that I would have done anything. To make myself feel better I remind myself that I also used to think Vodka was my liquor of choice.

So now that you have the history of moving to Savannah, you could probably put two and two together and realize that I was basically running away. I had never done it before and I figured a fresh start in a new place in a cool job would be what I needed. What I ended up with is the same problems 4 hours away. So I wonder if packing up and doing it again will really make it better. I don't know, but while I'm young I'm willing to try.

5. To end today's blog (I just realized it's much shorter and less depressing than I thought it'd be) I'd like to just say a few quick things about this past weekend. Seeing Heath and family (folks from Perry) on Saturday and then followed up by Russ and LN on Saturday night was the breath of fresh air I needed. It also made me realize how much [NAME REDACTED]'s move is going to impact our circle of friends. I don't want to jump to conclusions but it's going to be tough on everyone when he moves. The good news is this group of friends is tight-knit and really watches out for one another. I'm more of an outsider looking in when it comes to all of y'all but honestly, I'm just priveledged to be associated.

I'm the man that has the best and worst luck on the planet. I kind of feel like the song "Ironic". Everytime I want to bitch, I realize it could be worse. At least I have a blog. One day I'll write something really worthwhile here.

Be safe.

P.S.--Special thanks to Tony Simon for checking my blog out. I feel extremely important to know my bullshit ramblings have been passed over by THE blogger of the people.

For the record.

Barbara Streisand took a shit and named it Ben Stiller...he's the king of no-talent ass-clowns.

Fin.

Anyone notice the quote above? If you're a master at movie quotes you'd probably realize that it's from "Red Dragon." Edward Norton's character was asked his thoughts on the latest serial killer and that was his response. Why I shared this movie quote with you will come up later but first a little background. While listening to Glenn Beck earlier today this quote popped in my head. Anyone care to know why?

Of course you don't, but I'm going to tell you of course.

Glenn Beck, my source for half of my blogs was describing the horrible situation in Columbus Ohio with the handicapped girl. No, this isn't another Terri Shiavo situation, but it's damn bad. This poor handicapped high school girl was forced to perform oral sex on two teenage boys while MORE THAN DOZEN other kids looked on. One even videotaped it. She was punched, stripped naked and was forced to perform and might have even been raped. Of course if you ask me, she was raped but I'm unsure as to whether or not she was raped by what we all know as the norm definition.

However, that's not the worst part of this story. The assistant principle not only failed to call her father immediately, once he did let the father know about the issue, he asked that the police not be called because it "might create a media circus." These insane sons of bitches in Ohio couldn't even make the call to the cops to report a CRIME because they were too worried about their own asses.

Now that I've told you the story, what color did you imagine those kids to be? When I was listening to Glenn tell this story I imagined those kids to be white. That's just naturally what I picture most criminals to be. There really isn't a purpose of this blog other than to have you ask yourself what you picture criminals to be when you project a mental image of them. Nine times out of ten I picture them as white. I don't want to jump to generalizations by saying if you picture them as black then you might be prejudice (we're all prejudice in some faction anyway) but I would like you for to ask yourself why. Maybe it's the way you were raised? Maybe it's the media? Maybe there's no real reason? These are all viable questions that will just help you understand a little more about how you tick. Learning how you tick is always fun.

Moving on to happier news.

I've got tomorrow off but I still have to go to the office. PR wise it will do me good to show up when I don't have to just to get some things done. To drive 25 minutes to put in a couple of orders can only help my image around there and then I get to go to the Beach Boys Concert tomorrow night. Sorry Jonathan, this was a last minute thing and I just happened to get invited. If I would have known ahead of time, I would have gotten you a ticket as well.

Not only are Rusty and Ellen coming into town on Saturday but my friends Heath, Jena and Heather are making it into town as well tomorrow. After I leave the Beach Boys concert I will be sure to find those cats. It's always good to see people you care about.

I don't really have much else to blog about so I think I'll just quit while I'm ahead. I'd love to give you guys a nifty homework assignment but if I thought you did them I'd spend a little more time dreaming something up.

Until next time kids...

Be safe.

Before I begin, I'd like to add Penny to my list. Penny is a cocker-spaniel owned by Candace McWhirter and Penny is also the only woman to ever snuggle me after just meeting me. Thanks Penny. :-D

Moving on...

A long time ago (I'd say about 5 years) I wrote something called "50 Things I Believe." I don't know why I did it or what sparked my creativity, but I consider it one of the times in my life that I really defined myself. It's a lot easier to know who you are when you write it down and you see it on paper. I suggest everyone write a list of what they believe and to be serious about it. There are some funny sayings in this, but there's more thought-provoking ones.

Anyway, enjoy and feel free to comment and/or add your own:

1. I believe that I'm an AMERICAN. No matter what color I am, where my grandparents were from, or who brought me here makes me otherwise if I was born in the U.S. and my parents are legal citizens.

2. I believe stupid people multiply at a far greater pace than smart people.

3. I believe that no one is smarter than I and I'm not smarter than anyone because you can learn something from EVERYONE.

4. I believe that a beautiful woman has lost all her sex appeal if I can't hold a 5 minute conversation with her.

5. I believe that boy bands are created by Satan just to piss off all straight men.

6. I believe silent protests are stupid because most things get done when people LISTEN and how are they supposed to listen when you don't @&$*! speak???

7. I believe that all comedians are created by God because for a few minutes out of a day, they can make a person forget about their problems and make them happy.

8. I believe in God and Jesus, however, I do not like for churches to tell me how to behave on Sunday just to see them not practice what they preach on Wednesday.

9. I believe I love the Lotto because even though I’ll never win, I'm going to school for free because of it.

10. I believe it's hard to make a list of enlightening thoughts.

11. I believe that men who drug women for sex are cowards and should be castrated.

12. I believe that the same people who smoke and blame it on the Tobacco Industry are the same people who sue you and me for a false neck injury in an accident and ruin our insurance.

13. Going on about smoking....I also believe that people who CHOOSE to smoke know exactly what they're doing because coughing has NEVER been a good thing.

14. I believe that no drug or diet can make you look better than alcohol can.

15. I believe that the Jerry Springer Show is the reason why tornadoes only hit trailers.

16. I believe that no matter how perfect a girl may be, I will never turn my back on my family or friends for her.

17. I believe that the death penalty is wrong because if someone did something that is worthy of death, then they should be forced into 10 hours of hard labor every day for the rest of their life in Siberia.

18. I believe that no superstar could ever be incredibly depressed because no matter what, they could still find someone to sleep with.

19. I believe that a rock star lifestyle is one of the reasons I love music so much.

20. I believe that Alex Rodrigez and Kobe Bryant's phat bank accounts are two reasons why I don't like professional sports that much any more.

21. I believe that college sports are the best sports because people still have the desire to make it big.

22. I believe that Remember the Titans is a wonderful movie that everyone should watch because it has two great messages: 1) Racism is not necessary and 2) Football is the greatest sport on the planet.

23. I believe that people hate not because of past experiences or the way they were raised, but because they are scared of being willing to forgive and forget or are scared of someone's differences.

24. I believe that respect and trust are the two most desirable emotions that I would like to have from people because all relationships (business or personal), friendships, and even family bonds are based on those two things.

25. I believe in the good of all people until I have a reason not to.

26. I believe this list has gotten too serious and I need to be funny again for a moment.

27. I believe that Napster is the best thing ever to happen to the internet regardless of what the midget from Metallica (Lars) says.

28. I believe that fraternities and sororities are good things until they delegate how you act, think, and dress. I am not a cow and I will not act like cattle. Hail!

29. I believe Angelina Jolie has the best lips on the planet.

30. I believe that nice guys do finish last but I also believe that when we have a relationship, it actually means something.

31. I believe that being a single parent is incredibly hard but I also believe that people shouldn't make it harder for themselves by not practicing safe sex.

32. I believe that politics play a role in every aspect of life from the time you are in High School and on.

33. I believe gossip and rumors are wonderful because if someone is spreading false things about me, they are still acknowledging that I'm worth talking about.

34. I believe that even though I have wonderful parents who would do anything for me, I am not spoiled and am grateful for everything I have ever gotten. I also believe that when I become rich, my parents will be paid back beyond their imagination before I ever buy one thing for myself.

35. I believe dreams and hope are the two most important things a person needs to survive.

36. I believe that when I get to 50 on this list, I'll stop.

37. I believe that I bleed red and black.

38. I believe that McDonald's is out to kill me with the grease on those french fries.

39. I believe that JFK and MLK were killed by the government, but I don't think that it will ever be admitted.

40. I believe that women are the most confusing species on the planet and men are so simple that it confuses women. Needless to say, no one knows what the hell the other one is thinking.

41. I believe that Sportscenter is the funniest show on TV.

42. I believe the perfect woman watches Sportscenter, watches college sports, loves old cars, likes beer, and listens to all kinds of music. Oh, and she should be into short, fat guys with no money and big ears :-) P.S. It wouldn't hurt for her to be a model for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue either.

43. I believe that being funny is easy because all you have to do is not take everything so damn seriously.

44. I believe that making it to 50 is going to be harder than I thought.

45. I believe the internet is a good and bad thing. It consumes too many ugly people's time and not enough good-looking people are on it.

46. I believe I'm not as shallow as some of these comments may sound, but if you couldn't tell that already, then you're the same people who say that smoking isn't your choice.

47. I believe the 80s were a great time for music but also a great time for us to learn that synthesizers aren't always a good thing.

48. I believe that too much information is stored on computers and I that scares me.

49. I believe that Y2K was the biggest pile of B.S. the world has ever seen.

50. I believe that I have either enlightened you, made you laugh, or pissed you off.....either way, I made you think.


Be safe everyone!

When I originally wanted to write this particular blog, I figured I'd spend an ample amount of time just talking about past Exs. Then I realized (after the first ex) that not only would this list suck, but also it'd be kinda short. So, I thought I'd take a minute to highlight those women I've never dated but always kinda wanted to because they're so worthwhile.

Here's a brief note though, just because you may or may not make this list doesn't mean anything. The girls that are on this list are there because I just happened to remember them and that doesn't mean I have profound feelings for them either. If I forgot you, bust my balls and let me know it and I'll be sure to add you later...if you're worthy...just kidding. Oh and if I don't add your last name to the list, it's because I probably don't know how to spell it and I'd feel bad for butchering it. You know who you are so don't wonder if it's you.

Now, let's begin:

Erin McCoy: Without a doubt the single greatest woman I've ever met. Think of "When Harry Met Sally" and that's Erin and myself. We could be best friends or married and it doesn't really matter to me either way. After watching her grow through some of the roughest experiences I've ever seen anyone face, I have an enormous amount of respect for her. I mean she has been the mom that Kalah and Timmy lost (along with Erin herself) and she has never complained one day about it. I know she has the weight of the world on her shoulders and she keeps unselfishly chugging along. Her character is outstanding and she's beautiful to boot. I'd marry her tomorrow if she'd say yes. That's just the truth.

Courtney Philips: Even in her spastic times she's always been a fantastic person. People admire tragedies and triumphs and that's what Courtney has had. At times, she's been all alone and still made it through only to come out strong. People have her differences with her and she's cool about that but I really believe she's one of the few people who liked me for who I was and maybe not who I knew or who knew me. To be genuine means a lot and I truly believe she is.

Stacy Gray: Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think? If you don't know Stacy, then you don't know Courtney and then you really won't get why I think it's funny to put the two of them back to back. People grow apart, shit happens, we move on. However, about Stacy. Flat out cute. I mean cute as buttons. Then she got HOT, and there's nothing better than hot cute girls. As far as her personality, very cutesy, but also very intelligent and is very much on the side of helping people. All she wants to do is understand things and that's a very childlike quality I wish more people had. Remember when you were 3 and a fucking tree was the coolest shit EVER? Stacy's like that. If you care, she cares and that speaks volumes in todays world.

Summer Saunders: OH MY GOD HOT. That was Summer. Like seriously, she was sweet, HOTTER THAN BLAZES, and for some reason, thought I was cool as shit. Kissing that woman was one of the best things I've ever gotten to do and I'd gladly let her drive Zeus again if she'd give me some more sugar.

Dana Collier: I know she's engaged so that's why I put the little warning label up top. I've heard nothing but good things about Andy so I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful marriage. I just had to add Dana to the list because she's just a phenomenal person. Very few people deserve her love.

Erin Batten: Man this one took me through the ringer. For a long time I actually considered us "dating" because apparently we were that close in my mind. Oh well. Flat out, the girl that's taken my bullshit and thrown in back in my face better than almost anyone (Dana Harrison was the first girl that actually threw my bullshit back in my face. She was the best at it). It didn't hurt that she is cute as hell, tiny like I like 'em, and country as grits.

Allison Platt: There has never EVER EVER been any more sexual tension between me and someone like between Allison and me. We met in Redcoats and never got around to dating because she was always taken when I was single and vice versa. Seriously, if she ever ends up single and I still am as well, I hope she remembers my number. But don't forget, aside from the sexual tension, this is one fantastic girl and extremely cute as well. Definitely, the kind you introduce to mom. For the record, I totally knew her last name, just needed help in spelling it.

Jen Miller: Kinda like Erin McCoy with this one. We've always been friends even though I briefly crushed on her at first when we met. However, she's always been one of my closest friends and I know she will continue to be throughout both of our lives. I just know that one day we'll have to kiss to see if anything's there but to be honest, I'd bank on saying we're better off friends. Don't know why, but it's worth trying out. I like gettin sugar.

Jen Lindberg: I haven't known this one for too long but from what I do know, she's fantastic. Not much to say really other than she's cute as buttons and has a pure, genuine heart. She's a good girl. There's a lot to be said about that.

Kalah McCoy: Yeah it's kinda wrong to enter two sisters into one blog, especially about dating but following in the footsteps of her sister, she's definitely worth bringing attention to. This girl is the total package and looks exactly like a Barbie Doll. Class, elegance, intelligence, and a sense of humor. She's awesome.

And for right now, that concludes the list of women I've never dated but at one time probably wanted to or that are just all around good for every guy. Just think of that list as a way of highlighting the most eligible and non-eligible bacholorettes out there. That makes no sense but neither do I.

Moving On:

Here's a couple of highlights and things that are coming up worth noting.

*Rusty and Ellen are paying me a visit this weekend. They'll be here Saturday night, which means I can sleep in on Saturday, wake up, get some good food, and then drink beer with old friends. I'm really looking forward to this...I haven't seen those two in a while.

*My trip to Athens on the 22nd I think has been canceled. While I'd love to go up, it's just not in the cards right now. I need to go to Wrens, Ga. on the 23rd for Amos' engagement function. This is the more important event and I haven't had the chance to celebrate their engagement like they've asked me to. At some point, I need to be a good friend and this is my chance.

*[NAME REDACTED]'S ROAST IS ON JUNE 4 AT TASTY WORLD IN ATHENS. Please believe that if Rusty and Tim allow me to, I will be roasting [NAME REDACTED]. I plan to move my day off from April 22 to June 3 just to make sure I get ample Athens time with old friends. I'm looking more forward to this function than I have any party I've ever been to. Best Idea EVER.

*Jeb graduates on May 14. Mark your calendars; I'll see you in Atlanta.


Until next time kids, be safe and God Bless.

AND THEN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

After 2 or 3 good and serious blogs I figured now was a better time than any to bash a few liberals and do it in a light-hearted manner. We all know how I'm all about caring and sharing so I'll try to not hurt any feelings today.

Gas is $2.22 a gallon here. That is fucking unacceptable. I mean honestly. I was all for drilling in Alaska 4 years ago but the Libs swore we didn't need to do it. Let's save the environment. And now, instead of being proactive, we're being reactive and everyone's got a drill in their hand.

So again the Libs set the precedent of Bush = Bad.

My wallet thanks you so much for your struggle.

However, to give fair insight, it's not an oil shortage that's driving prices. It is our dependence on other countries for oil as well as our lack of refineries (I could've spelled that wrong) to refine the oil we have. The refineries we have are outdated and environmental groups lobby to keep us from building more.

Thanks again Libs.

Moving on to a brighter subject: How much I hate diets.

So far I've lost a whopping 8.5 pounds. Not that much but honestly you can tell a difference. However, that last 1.5 pounds is a bitch to shake. That fucker is just holding on for dear life. Of course I have drank a decent bit over the past few weeks. St. Patrick's Day, wedding this weekend, Wrestlemania last weekend, Easter....just kidding about Easter. But that should give you some insight as to why I've felt the need to party.

Now some important dates to keep in mind before I go.

April 9 -- Miranda's wedding. I'll be in Perry to see the good lookin gal get hitched.
April 15 -- Tax day and pay day...isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?
April 22 -- Trip to Athens.
April 23 -- Trip to Wrens for Amos' engagement party.
May 14 -- Jeb graduates at GSU
May 15 -- Pay day. Which probably means another trip to Athens.

Let's all hope gas goes down. If it doesn't, you might hear Wal-mart say "Wal-mart. Always low prices...until oil goes above $57 dollars a gallon."

Here's your homework assignment for this week. I want each of you to visit a bar sometime over this upcoming weekend and strike up a conversation with someone you have never seen or met before, preferably someone good looking. Keep the conversation VERY friendly without flirting AT ALL (which is always tough for me). I want you notice how the other person reacts to you. If you talk to someone and they don't act like you're trying to court them, I'd like to hear about it. I got a feeling though, nearly 99% of all the people who do this will encounter someone who either wants a free drink or wants to buy you a free drink. Don't accept no matter what you do. The purpose of this is to show how we are so consumed with sex. We can't even carry on a conversation in a bar without people presuming we want to get down.

Until next time:

Be safe.

P.S. -- If someone's offered you a drink, wait 5 minutes after you turned them down and then get your free drink. I'm not about preventing anyone from free alcohol.